So it's been awhile

I've been busy with studying to take the VTS test for the third time. I took the test 2 wks ago and am starting to get back to life as I prefer it to be. Taking pottery again. Yay and woohoo. I guess I should mention that I am still trying to get pregnant and that I had a miscarriage a month ago.
I think that the main thing I feel the need to mention and get out there is that I'm actually starting to feel like an adult. I mean that in the sense of being stuck in inner child mode. I'm finally realizing that while life isn't fair and that I have issues that greatly effect me everyday, I'm an adult and I need to find a way to muddle through life and put my issues to the side. I realize that it's much easier said than done, but I need to stop using my issues as an excuse for bad behavior. Specifically I need to be responsible and respect other peoples time. I mean this in the sense that I am always late for things, and that I'm a huge procrastinator. I also have a bad habit of making assumptions that it's not a big deal if I'm not there. Mostly referring to work. I'm back to graveyards and I know that I will be much better with my time management, but I've been quite the slacker in the last 2 months. Just because I don't feel that I'm needed, doesn't make it true. If I'm not there, then someone else might have to fill in. This seems like a fairly obvious statement, but when I'm stuck in depression mode or low self esteem mode it is easy to think that my presence isn't important. Me realizing that I'm an adult is a way for me to remind myself that even though I'm feeling useless, it's not fair for me to make that assumption on other peoples behalf. It's basically about respecting other peoples time.

Well, I'm at work and should actually get back to working. I'm not sure when I'll be back to write more. I think about it often, but it's never a good time. Perhaps the graveyard shifts will be a good excuse for me to reflect when it's slow.

Big Scary World

It's been forever since I've taken the time to put my thoughts down in "ink". I've decided to start telling the story of me from the beginning. Perhaps my bipolar evolution will unfold itself as I ramble on. One of my very first memories come from Maryland in my closest friends basement being enveloped in a bean bag chair. I remember running across the room and jumping into the soft and ever so fun pillow chair. I even remember begging my Mom for one. I also remember swimming in the neighbors back yard pool. It was one of the big round above the ground kind. They had 5 kids to they needed as big a pool as they could get. I find it odd that I remember my neighbors more than I did my own family. I know that my brother would pull me around in a little red wagon, but I think that it's in my head because I've seen pictures that my Mom has. My Dad memory is of going to the shoe shine store and getting super excited about the big balloon of a shark hanging from the ceiling. "Sharky! Lookie Daddy, Sharkie!" I'm afraid of sharks now. I'm pretty sure I'd die of a panic attack if I some how got stranded in the middle of an ocean. Nothing too tragic to begin the story of me. Just a sweet little girl of about 3 years old. Not quite sure how messed up I could be at that age, but you never know. What was lurking in my brain, waiting for the right time to pounce. Ignorance is bliss, or so "they" say.

Guilt

Life is process of experience's and learning how to process and grow from each one. For whatever reason I am processing and learning things about my suicide attempts. I'm feeling incredibly guilty about what I put Alex through. Alex came up to take care of me while Andrew was away and It had to of been one of the more stressful times in his life. First I overdosed on ambien and he had to deal with trying to make me vomit up the pills and then taking me to the ER. It's a good thing I wasn't eating because I was light enough for him to carry me to the car. Then I threw cutting into the mix. And then I took advantage of a pet sitting venture and called him to let him know that I was going to kill myself and that he should make sure that the owners don't come home to find me dead. Fortunately I was too drunk to actually focus on cutting deep enough.
I heard a song today that made me reflect and then feel the full power of guilt. I can only imaging what Alex must have been going through trying to make sure I was safe. The worry and stress that he had wondering if the paramedics would get to me in time. What would he tell Andrew if I actually succeeded. The sadness of the situation. It's said that suicide is a very selfish act, and I am really feeling that today. I was so lost in my depression that all I could think about was my pain. I know how strongly depression can take over and I know that I probably couldn't control my emotions at the time. I've finally reached a point where I can reflect and learn from my past. It's only taken me 35 years.
The tragedy of what I put Alex through is that he died exactly 1 year from the day of my attempt. He saved my life, but he died. If only he'd been wearing his damn seat belt. It's sad, but I truly believe that the world would be a better place if I had been the one to die. Alex had so much love and life to give. I've been a bipolar/ depressed mess who looks for an escape from reality. I hope that I can one day help to balance that which was lost.

I'm having a very frustrating and irritating time realizing certain things in my life. I have been very manic for the last few weeks. I even called to make an appointment with my Psych, but I didn't bother answering when they called me back. I love having energy and motivation, but I get so damn irritated if things aren't going my way. Work has been much busier than it has in the last 2 years and it's reminding me why I love emergency so much. The problem is that I get really overwhelmed when people are in my face and asking me about more than one patient at a time. I can't seem to keep the same focus that I used to . I also have a ton of things that are on my "to do list" and I keep feeling someone breathing down my neck about it. That someone is surely me. I know that I'm hard on myself. I need to be able to get everything done that I want to get done. If you happen to be in my way to finishing things I might run you over with an aptly placed "FUCK YOU!". I don't actually have explosions at work. There was a point in time that I would have. I'm happy to say that I've gained a little bit more balance in the emotional control department. While other people can have anger management issues, I feel that I just have emotion management issues. I just really need to take some time to breath. Yoga needs to be put back into my life. I've really slacked on that since going to Brazil this summer. I've been trying to find some peace with my pottery. It's not really working out the way I wanted it to. I had this plan to make a lot of little bud vases and see if I could sell them as holiday presents. I started out making an urn for a friend who lost one of her cats. That actually came out very well. I then lost my sweet little "Hoots". I've tried to make an urn for her 2 times now, and it's just now working out. I've also been working on a thank you present for head of the volleyball club that took me and Andrew along with them to Brazil. I think that it will be done next week. Any thing else that I've tried has seemed like a huge struggle. The only time I have to work at the pottery studio is on class day. If I could actually find time to go on the weekend it would be so much more rewarding. I'm not sure how to make it happen, but I really feel that pottery has become an outlet to help me focus and find more joy in life. Maybe I'll be able to get a wheel of my own sometime in the future. I would love to be able to go to an art based college and give myself a second career. I guess is would really be a third career since I've already done the whole massage thing. Maybe I'll fit some yoga into my schedule today. I don't really want to have my medications increased just because I'm irritated at the world. I already feel like my meds make it hard for me to focus. Eh.. It is what it is... until I have a hissy fit and shred it to pieces.

Old familiar feelings

I was super depressed today. I thought about cutting several times. It's weird how I can be spacing out and just have an urge to cut. The gray and windy world out there had me questioning why the hell have I put up with living someplace so miserable. There are many great people who keep me here. I am also really happy with my job right now. I wouldn't have been able to say that about the job a year ago. It's odd that Andrew losing his job made me put more dedication into my work. I just feel that I would be so much happier someplace warm and sunny. The warmth and the sun just bring me to life. I think that one of the reasons I liked working graveyards so much was that I slept during all the gray. The dark of night is so much more comforting and do-able for me. I know that my moods are ever changing and that I might feel great tomorrow.
I also had a large amount of social anxiety and venerability tonight. I felt really self conscious and insecure with what I was doing. Then I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and just felt paranoid. I went through the store grabbing and holding my items close to my chest like someone might take it from me. I really felt crazy. I didn't' want to look anyone in the eye. It was weird. Maybe I'm projecting anxiety about the avian ce I'm doing on Friday. I don't really think that that is it, but it could be. Well, off to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Fall

I keep having these thougths that I feel likeI should put in my blog because they are relevant to being bipolar. Now that I'm sitting here wiht the computer in front of me I can't quite recall what I wanted to say. I've been sick this last week, which makes me frustrated at things that I had planned to do, but instead I've been sleeping and being grumpy. My body is starting to ache a lot more now that the weather is getting colder. I know that I need to start exercising and that yoga will help with the pain. I've also been feeling a bit more depressed. I'm not sure if that's because i've been sick, or if it's because the wonderful gray facade that is Puget Sound has returned. Even if I'm not doing anything outside, I feel better when it is sunny out. I just really hate that pit in my stomach/ it hurts just to breath/ leave me the fuck alone/ I've just been raped/ open and closed all at the same time feeling. The summer has been too kind to me, and now I have to find some way to keep the rest of this year from dragging me down with it's cold gray fingers that seem to find every little crevis it can to crawl into the edges of my being.

Guilt

It's starting to really sink in that I won't be seeing my Hoots again. There was this sad, miserable cat that came into the clinic today that had a hairball stuck in it's esophagus. I've never really thought of a hairball being something that could end a life. This cat was definitely circling the drain, until it projectile vomited and the hairball went shooting across the room. It was a very dramatic vomit that made the cat vagal out. I watched this all happen and couldn't help but think that Hoots got hairballs all the time. Could it be possible that she died because of something so simple. Should I have been adding cat lax or canned food to her diet to help prevent the hairball situations. Could my negligence caused my sweet little kitties death. I'm never really going to know the answer to these questions. I just can't help but feel like I didn't do something and that something could have caused her death. I'm finally starting to really mourn. It's hard to put into words the sorrow that I'm feeling. I know that others have felt it and that it's nothing new to the condition of being human. It just really fucking sucks. I suppose that it's a good thing that my meds are working so well. I feel a bit numb through out all of this. I'm not sure if it's the meds or the shock of the situation. I can tell you that I could easily slip into the ever so familiar sadness. I actually wish for a profound moment of crying and sobbing and misery so that I can get it all out. What will come, will come. A little zen to say... but still quite true.