So it's been awhile

I've been busy with studying to take the VTS test for the third time. I took the test 2 wks ago and am starting to get back to life as I prefer it to be. Taking pottery again. Yay and woohoo. I guess I should mention that I am still trying to get pregnant and that I had a miscarriage a month ago.
I think that the main thing I feel the need to mention and get out there is that I'm actually starting to feel like an adult. I mean that in the sense of being stuck in inner child mode. I'm finally realizing that while life isn't fair and that I have issues that greatly effect me everyday, I'm an adult and I need to find a way to muddle through life and put my issues to the side. I realize that it's much easier said than done, but I need to stop using my issues as an excuse for bad behavior. Specifically I need to be responsible and respect other peoples time. I mean this in the sense that I am always late for things, and that I'm a huge procrastinator. I also have a bad habit of making assumptions that it's not a big deal if I'm not there. Mostly referring to work. I'm back to graveyards and I know that I will be much better with my time management, but I've been quite the slacker in the last 2 months. Just because I don't feel that I'm needed, doesn't make it true. If I'm not there, then someone else might have to fill in. This seems like a fairly obvious statement, but when I'm stuck in depression mode or low self esteem mode it is easy to think that my presence isn't important. Me realizing that I'm an adult is a way for me to remind myself that even though I'm feeling useless, it's not fair for me to make that assumption on other peoples behalf. It's basically about respecting other peoples time.

Well, I'm at work and should actually get back to working. I'm not sure when I'll be back to write more. I think about it often, but it's never a good time. Perhaps the graveyard shifts will be a good excuse for me to reflect when it's slow.

Big Scary World

It's been forever since I've taken the time to put my thoughts down in "ink". I've decided to start telling the story of me from the beginning. Perhaps my bipolar evolution will unfold itself as I ramble on. One of my very first memories come from Maryland in my closest friends basement being enveloped in a bean bag chair. I remember running across the room and jumping into the soft and ever so fun pillow chair. I even remember begging my Mom for one. I also remember swimming in the neighbors back yard pool. It was one of the big round above the ground kind. They had 5 kids to they needed as big a pool as they could get. I find it odd that I remember my neighbors more than I did my own family. I know that my brother would pull me around in a little red wagon, but I think that it's in my head because I've seen pictures that my Mom has. My Dad memory is of going to the shoe shine store and getting super excited about the big balloon of a shark hanging from the ceiling. "Sharky! Lookie Daddy, Sharkie!" I'm afraid of sharks now. I'm pretty sure I'd die of a panic attack if I some how got stranded in the middle of an ocean. Nothing too tragic to begin the story of me. Just a sweet little girl of about 3 years old. Not quite sure how messed up I could be at that age, but you never know. What was lurking in my brain, waiting for the right time to pounce. Ignorance is bliss, or so "they" say.