Guilt

Life is process of experience's and learning how to process and grow from each one. For whatever reason I am processing and learning things about my suicide attempts. I'm feeling incredibly guilty about what I put Alex through. Alex came up to take care of me while Andrew was away and It had to of been one of the more stressful times in his life. First I overdosed on ambien and he had to deal with trying to make me vomit up the pills and then taking me to the ER. It's a good thing I wasn't eating because I was light enough for him to carry me to the car. Then I threw cutting into the mix. And then I took advantage of a pet sitting venture and called him to let him know that I was going to kill myself and that he should make sure that the owners don't come home to find me dead. Fortunately I was too drunk to actually focus on cutting deep enough.
I heard a song today that made me reflect and then feel the full power of guilt. I can only imaging what Alex must have been going through trying to make sure I was safe. The worry and stress that he had wondering if the paramedics would get to me in time. What would he tell Andrew if I actually succeeded. The sadness of the situation. It's said that suicide is a very selfish act, and I am really feeling that today. I was so lost in my depression that all I could think about was my pain. I know how strongly depression can take over and I know that I probably couldn't control my emotions at the time. I've finally reached a point where I can reflect and learn from my past. It's only taken me 35 years.
The tragedy of what I put Alex through is that he died exactly 1 year from the day of my attempt. He saved my life, but he died. If only he'd been wearing his damn seat belt. It's sad, but I truly believe that the world would be a better place if I had been the one to die. Alex had so much love and life to give. I've been a bipolar/ depressed mess who looks for an escape from reality. I hope that I can one day help to balance that which was lost.

I'm having a very frustrating and irritating time realizing certain things in my life. I have been very manic for the last few weeks. I even called to make an appointment with my Psych, but I didn't bother answering when they called me back. I love having energy and motivation, but I get so damn irritated if things aren't going my way. Work has been much busier than it has in the last 2 years and it's reminding me why I love emergency so much. The problem is that I get really overwhelmed when people are in my face and asking me about more than one patient at a time. I can't seem to keep the same focus that I used to . I also have a ton of things that are on my "to do list" and I keep feeling someone breathing down my neck about it. That someone is surely me. I know that I'm hard on myself. I need to be able to get everything done that I want to get done. If you happen to be in my way to finishing things I might run you over with an aptly placed "FUCK YOU!". I don't actually have explosions at work. There was a point in time that I would have. I'm happy to say that I've gained a little bit more balance in the emotional control department. While other people can have anger management issues, I feel that I just have emotion management issues. I just really need to take some time to breath. Yoga needs to be put back into my life. I've really slacked on that since going to Brazil this summer. I've been trying to find some peace with my pottery. It's not really working out the way I wanted it to. I had this plan to make a lot of little bud vases and see if I could sell them as holiday presents. I started out making an urn for a friend who lost one of her cats. That actually came out very well. I then lost my sweet little "Hoots". I've tried to make an urn for her 2 times now, and it's just now working out. I've also been working on a thank you present for head of the volleyball club that took me and Andrew along with them to Brazil. I think that it will be done next week. Any thing else that I've tried has seemed like a huge struggle. The only time I have to work at the pottery studio is on class day. If I could actually find time to go on the weekend it would be so much more rewarding. I'm not sure how to make it happen, but I really feel that pottery has become an outlet to help me focus and find more joy in life. Maybe I'll be able to get a wheel of my own sometime in the future. I would love to be able to go to an art based college and give myself a second career. I guess is would really be a third career since I've already done the whole massage thing. Maybe I'll fit some yoga into my schedule today. I don't really want to have my medications increased just because I'm irritated at the world. I already feel like my meds make it hard for me to focus. Eh.. It is what it is... until I have a hissy fit and shred it to pieces.

Old familiar feelings

I was super depressed today. I thought about cutting several times. It's weird how I can be spacing out and just have an urge to cut. The gray and windy world out there had me questioning why the hell have I put up with living someplace so miserable. There are many great people who keep me here. I am also really happy with my job right now. I wouldn't have been able to say that about the job a year ago. It's odd that Andrew losing his job made me put more dedication into my work. I just feel that I would be so much happier someplace warm and sunny. The warmth and the sun just bring me to life. I think that one of the reasons I liked working graveyards so much was that I slept during all the gray. The dark of night is so much more comforting and do-able for me. I know that my moods are ever changing and that I might feel great tomorrow.
I also had a large amount of social anxiety and venerability tonight. I felt really self conscious and insecure with what I was doing. Then I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and just felt paranoid. I went through the store grabbing and holding my items close to my chest like someone might take it from me. I really felt crazy. I didn't' want to look anyone in the eye. It was weird. Maybe I'm projecting anxiety about the avian ce I'm doing on Friday. I don't really think that that is it, but it could be. Well, off to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Fall

I keep having these thougths that I feel likeI should put in my blog because they are relevant to being bipolar. Now that I'm sitting here wiht the computer in front of me I can't quite recall what I wanted to say. I've been sick this last week, which makes me frustrated at things that I had planned to do, but instead I've been sleeping and being grumpy. My body is starting to ache a lot more now that the weather is getting colder. I know that I need to start exercising and that yoga will help with the pain. I've also been feeling a bit more depressed. I'm not sure if that's because i've been sick, or if it's because the wonderful gray facade that is Puget Sound has returned. Even if I'm not doing anything outside, I feel better when it is sunny out. I just really hate that pit in my stomach/ it hurts just to breath/ leave me the fuck alone/ I've just been raped/ open and closed all at the same time feeling. The summer has been too kind to me, and now I have to find some way to keep the rest of this year from dragging me down with it's cold gray fingers that seem to find every little crevis it can to crawl into the edges of my being.

Guilt

It's starting to really sink in that I won't be seeing my Hoots again. There was this sad, miserable cat that came into the clinic today that had a hairball stuck in it's esophagus. I've never really thought of a hairball being something that could end a life. This cat was definitely circling the drain, until it projectile vomited and the hairball went shooting across the room. It was a very dramatic vomit that made the cat vagal out. I watched this all happen and couldn't help but think that Hoots got hairballs all the time. Could it be possible that she died because of something so simple. Should I have been adding cat lax or canned food to her diet to help prevent the hairball situations. Could my negligence caused my sweet little kitties death. I'm never really going to know the answer to these questions. I just can't help but feel like I didn't do something and that something could have caused her death. I'm finally starting to really mourn. It's hard to put into words the sorrow that I'm feeling. I know that others have felt it and that it's nothing new to the condition of being human. It just really fucking sucks. I suppose that it's a good thing that my meds are working so well. I feel a bit numb through out all of this. I'm not sure if it's the meds or the shock of the situation. I can tell you that I could easily slip into the ever so familiar sadness. I actually wish for a profound moment of crying and sobbing and misery so that I can get it all out. What will come, will come. A little zen to say... but still quite true.

Hoots

I found my sweet little Hooter girl dead underneath the papasan tonight. The last time I remember seeing her was Wed. evening. She was always hiding and being generally skittish so I wasn't really that worried about her. I decided to do a hunt today because I hadn't seen her in a few days. My first thought was that she might of gotten out the back door while I wasn't looking. I tend to leave the back door open when I let Nutmeg out in the morning, so maybe she decided to be sneaky. I was worried about her being outside, not worried that she was sick somewhere. I found her with a very small amount of blood clogging her nose, but not much around her. My best guesses are that she aspirated on something, had heart stuff that I just didn't know about, or she a spider that she then just went into anaphylaxis. I didn't want a post done because I don't really think that it would help me to feel better about the whole thing. I just can't believe that she's gone. She was just supposed to be hiding somewhere like she usually does. I don't know how long she was under the papasan, or if she suffered. Was there anything I could have done if I'd been there. I'm really not sure how to deal with this. I've become so used to the sadness and reality of animals and thier many illnesses. I'm numb and shock and feel completely detached at the same time. It's like I know that she was going to die at some point, so what's the big deal? Stupid compassion fatigue that's spilling over into my house. Maybe I'm just numb right now because I took a xanax. I was definitely crying and sobbing earlier.
Hoots was such a sweet but skittish little girl. I got her at AERC when I first started doing the vet tech thing. She had been hit by a car and hung out in the stray room for a couple of weeks. She always had this cute little tail twitch that she did. She would head butt the carpet and wall, but would only really cuddle if you were in the bed. She loved to sleep around my head. I'm really going to miss that. I just really going to miss my goofy little Hoots.

Summer

I keep procrastinating about putting my trip to Brazil in to words. Thanks to the WVBA, Andrew and I got to go to Brazil for free. We were gone from 8/1 -8/12. It was a complete and total trip of a lifetime. We got to enjoy ourselves in the sun and warmth. The volleyball team didn't do that well, but there was a definite age advantage on their part. We met a lot of amazing people. I really hope that we get to go back sometime.
I also went to Texas for a week the second week of Sept. I took the dreaded VTS test again. Not really sure how that went. The big thing is that I got to see my family. I hadn't seen my brother for about 6 years. He is sober and has a good job. He decided that since he's 40 he should try to get his life in some sort of order. I was so so very happy to see how great he's doing.
I know that this is a really short ass blog about 2 very amazing things. I'm just really tired and gonna go to sleep now. Maybe I'll write more later. I think that it's still a bit beyond words for me.

Still here.

Just thought I'd put a little down because I haven't in awhile. I've been doing rather well. Last week I did a lot of studying and felt a little more confident about the VTS test. This week I've only looked at a small amount. I know that I need to spend more time doing the studying thing, I just find myself having a hard time with knowing which direction to take. I think that I'm going to review that topics that I feel a bit more confident about so that perhaps I will feel more confident in general.
On a completely different topic, I have this stupid cat bite on my thumb that doesn't want to heal. I've done 2 courses of antibiotics, but it's still bothering me. The MD thinks that it's just bruised underneath and I should just give it a little more time. I really hope it doesn't turn into a big deal.
So mentally I've doing OK. I'm torn and sad about not being in touch with my 2 closest friends. I'm trying to give them some space to deal with whatever. I'm just trying to focus on things that I have going on. I think that my sadness comes from valid feelings and not from some chemical reaction going on in my brain. I have been a bit jittery lately. I think it's because I have so much in my head that I need to get done and it's hard for me to prioritize. I just need to make sure that I stop with this staying up really late on my days off thing that I've been doing. I'm actually going to head to bed right now. I'll catch on the flip side.

That old familiar feeling

It's been awhile. I had a fairly familiar feeling today. I don't think I've ever been able to classify it very well. Saying I have that "I've just been raped" feeling is a bit awkward to say. It's a good thing that I realize most people don't want the truth when they ask "how's it going?". I just felt isolated and scared when I got up today. Andrew's out of town, and as much as I hate it, he's my security blanket. I don't at all hate that I rely on the love of my life. I hate that I am so codependent that I start to loose it after being alone for 2 days.
My closest friends are lost in their own issues, and I hate the idea of letting myself be vulnerable with anyone else. I found myself to be incredibly jealous of a few coworkers that are taking a camping trip at the end of the week. I remember taking a few trips with coworkers when the clinic first opened. It feels nice to belong to a group of friends and not just having a few friends. Alienating myself seems to of become a norm for me. I want to be understood and loved just like everyone else. I'm just too self conscious to let myself be understood. I think that I have always felt out of place. I can observe and come to understand almost any category of people. I was raised a born again christian. I went to so many youth group meetings and outings. Instead of becoming friends with any one group, I would find myself helping with the adults. I'd help set things up, organize things, clean up things. I was always the reliable one. I don't think that anyone but my peers saw how depressed I was. One of the boys that I had a major crush on told me that he wanted to ask me out, but was too afraid that I would kill myself and he just couldn't handle that. Seriously! Why the fuck didn't my "friends" fucking tell an adult that I was a fucking suicide waiting to happen? Why couldn't anyone see that my default was this "I've just been raped" feeling. I know that answer of course. I put out there what I wanted people to see. I let the adults believe that I was well adjusted and just wanted to be helpful. I was a bit more honest with my peers because I was looking for a connection. My breaking point hit when I didn't have anyone to hide things from. I can't stand this feeling of being so isolated. I know that I have people out there that truly care for me, I just feel like they are so far away.

For Andrew: since I know that you are reading this while you are out of town, I need you to know that I'm okay. These aren't necessarily new feelings, I just happen to be blogging them. I will see you on Monday and I know that I will survive this.

Starting from the beginning

I've decided to try and start from the beginning of my depression. I've not had any therapy sessions in quite awhile due to financial constraints. My last few sessions were helping me to get in touch with my inner child. I've heard the term inner child several times, but I've never really thought about the term. Looking at myself from the outside and realizing that if an 8yr old child were to have the abuse that I had, I would feel that that child would have so much of a reason to be devastated. I realize that I'm being vague, but I'm not sure how much I want to put into writing. Let's just say that I had a couple of sexual and violent acts between the age of 8 to 16. I then felt the need to keep it all to myself because my parents were already extremely stressed because my brother was using drugs. I saw how much pain my parents were having, so I didn't want to add to that. I actually decided to be as perfect as I could so that my parents would never be disappointed or stressed about my well being.

Now for relating this to my mental state. When my family moved from Texas to California, I was 12 yrs old. I was leaving the safety of all my close friends back in Texas. I made a couple of friends from our church fairly quickly. I just felt so out of place. I remember saying something along the lines of killing myself and it freaked out my new closest friend. I got a card and had written in it that I was sorry about saying I wanted to kill myself. My Mom found the card and asked me about it. I blew if off by saying that I had made a joke and Shelly just got upset. I guess that that was when I first thought about suicide. I think that I just felt isolated because all my friends were now left in Texas. I didn't recognize what I was feeling, but it seems fairly obvious to me now.

That's it for now.

Self sabotage

I keep setting goals for myself that I'm just not able or motivated enough to actually follow through with. For example: It's past midnight and I have to get up tomorrow for work. I'm tired, yet I keep letting myself fiddle around on this stupid computer of mine. I've also set goals for studying for the VTS test as well as an exercise plan. This is short blog because I need to go to bed. I just wanted to put out there that I really need to figure how best to deal with my own self sabotage. I hope I figure it out soon.

Money money money

I wish I had some. Money that is. I've had a few shopping spree's that I totally should of put the money to better causes. I usually hate shopping because it gives me anxiety about what I can't have. I think that I'm now using shopping as a comfort. I know that the money isn't coming in the way it should, but it's going to be worse when Andrew's unemployementt is going to run out. I think that getting things I want is my way of making myself feel better. I know that there are a lot of bad things about this behavior. When Andrew was in Bosnia I totally forgot to pay some bills and I went around shopping as a comfort. I also keep putting off studying. I had 3 days off in which I planned to study, but I focused on other things instead. I worked on pottery, and I did some cleaning. Monday I slept and vegged. Yesterday I dyed my hair and cleaned up after the animals, went tanning, and then went to the grocery store and spent way too much time walking around and deciding what to buy. It would've been a short trip, but I spent about an hour there. Then I went to pottery in the evening. Today I worked on a piece of pottery, caught up on NCIS and then Andrew and I went to see Iron Man. It's really hard for me to know that we are broke, but we keep spending money on frivolous things. I also keep having stress because the economy isn't getting better and that doesn't really bode well in the Andrew finding a job department. I also wish that work was a little more steady. It scares me that the Renton clinic isn't really doing much to help the business stabilize. I have some plans for tomorrow. I'm hoping I can stick with it.

I hate hunger.

Warning to those who might have an eating disorder : I'm about to bitch about my hatred with hunger.
I am getting really frustrated with myself and my attempts at being healthy, active, and to lose some pounds. I am the fastest I've ever been. I know that a large part of it is due to my medications, but I also know that I have a lot of bad habits that I need to change. Lately I've been trying to stay around a certain calorie count, but at the end of the day I am still hungry and can't seem to keep myself from eating a bit too much. I've had this weight goal in mind so that I look a little better in a swim suit for my trip to Brazil. I'm also wanting to lose weight before I see my parents in September. Both my parents are super healthy and trim and I feel embarrassed to have them see me at this weight. I'm also having a hard time motivating to do exercises that I know will help with the weight loss, but will definitely not help my fibromyalgia. I also just want to get healthy, and if it weren't for the trip to see my parents, I don't think that I would be this stressed out about it. I've been doing healthier things and doing yoga a couple times a week, but I know that I need to really go at it if I really want to reach my goal. I feel like if I can stick with a certain amount of calories for at least 5 days, my stomach should shrink down enough that I wont always be hungry. I am much better about sticking to my daily goal on the days that I work, but days off at home are just hard. It would really be nice if Andrew didn't make such calorie dense food for dinner. I keep telling myself that I need to come up with a weekly menu plan. I just have so many other things that I'm doing it is hard to find time to sit down and go through menu books and figure the calories and then figure out what constitutes a serving. I also keep self sabotaging myself because I'll tell myself that I should have something but then I focus on it so much that I end up eating it because I might not get any if I actually stick to my plan. I know that there are diet groups (weight watchers, jenny craig, nutrisystem), and there are books with diet plans, but I"m allergic to so many foods it is hard to go that route.

I also want to address the fact that I am going to have to make some serious decisions when it comes to the prospect of getting pregnant. My medications are doing so well and I will have to go off of most of them if I want to help avoid any neurologic or autoimmune issues. My OBGYN apt got bumped back to 6/8. I'm just a big cranky whiny stress ball right now. It doesn't help that this day is just making me more and more irritable.

Watching People Walk

After massage school I got into the habit of watching people when they moved to analyze what might need to be worked on. It's kind of something that I've never stopped doing, but I've had a new perspective with this watching habit of mine. I noticed about a week ago that while I'm driving around and see people walking around I start to wonder what their story is. Not just where is their tension, but why do they have the tension. Are they limping because they have an old sports injury? Does they're head tilt because they have a bad habit of tilting their head when they're on the phone? What's their story? I don't know why I've started doing this. I think that I'm used to looking at things from a medical/ analytical way, and now I'm looking at things from a more personal point of view. I've always said that I'm not much of a people person. I think that I've been that way because I've had such a hard time dealing with my issues, it makes it hard for me to let others close enough for me to deal with them. It kinda seems nice to be able to understand and let myself be trusting with others. It's not that I'm not trusting in a "I think you're a liar" sort of way. It's just that I'm able to trust people with who I am. It's been quite a long time since I've felt that I can let people into my world without the fear that they are going to turn around and pick me apart. People are going to judge me no matter what. It's just human nature. I just have to let myself be secure enough in who I am to not let it get to me. I'm not saying it's easy to do now. It's just easier. So to bring this whole thought process to a close... I kinda wonder what story my body language throws out there.

Insecure, productive and a sore throat.

It's been a roller coaster week in the emotion scale. First off, I am not good with change. There are a lot of new people at work and it's making me very insecure. On Sunday, I had the joy of working with 3 new people. The first is this girl who works with a day practice, but is trying out the emergency scene. She's one of those people that feels the need to verbally explain what she's doing, as if to prove herself. She is actually fairly good at what she does, I just find her highly annoying. Then there is the new girl that doesn't say hardly anything. She also seems to be good at her job, but her silence is making me constantly wonder what she's thinking. I feel like I need to prove myself to her because I assume that her silent ruminations are all about me. I really hope that it doesn't take long to get to know her. The third girl is also fairly good at her job. She also talks non stop, but it's not to prove anything, it's because she is constantly thinking and apparently feels the need to let us all know where her thoughts are leading her. She also speaks with big words and is like listening to a professor in literature and biology at the same time. So anyways, I felt really insecure after I got off work on Sunday.
Monday, I was is go go go mode. I got up fairly early for a day off. I got up to go to yoga, but couldn't find my keys. Luckily, Andrew had his spare key for the car. It turns out I had left my keys at work. Anyways, I went to yoga for the first time in 4 weeks. I missed going today because I feel like I have a cold. After yoga, I went by Fred Meyer to gets some groceries. I also picked up a stackable organizer set for the kitchen, come potting soil for my multitude of empty pots, and some seeds for which to grow stuff in said pots. I came home and did the planting thing, put up a shelf in the garage for laundry detergent and such, and built the organizer for the kitchen. I also put together a canvas/wood table top to use with my clay creations. I hope I can get the kitchen all cleaned up and ready for the pottery wheel that Lindan is going to let me use. All in all, it was a very busy day for me. I'm usually not that active, but I'm hoping that I can keep it up.
Today has been fairly unproductive. I missed an appointment because I slept through it and Andrew didn't wake me up. I then chose not to go to yoga because of a sore throat. I went to Tasha and Andre's house ( cat's that I'm pet sitting) and did my thing there. I came home to get some studying done and I fell asleep. I'm hopefully going to get a little more studying in since I'm awake now.

Extremes of emotion

So I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and I've been all over the place with my emotions. The appointment was just a regular appointment to talk a little and go over my medications. I let her know that Andrew and I are planning on really working on getting pregnant, but I want to make sure that my medications are in order. I have an appointment with an OB GYN next week to go over medications with them as well. I was having a lot of anxiety before the appointment because I really don't want to go off of my current meds. I have been feeling somewhat normal and I'm scared that I will just relapse into hyper depressed suicidal girl. My anxiety reached that level of "I need xanax now". I had left my purse at home, so I didn't have any on me. So I told my doc what I was there for and how anxious I was. She went over each medication with me and told me the risk associated with each one. Basically, I should come off of all of my medications. She encouraged me to speak with the OB GYN and see what he has seen in his experience. She also encouraged me to think about what I would do in the event of a major birth defect. She said that I could potentially stay on my meds and have regular ultrasounds and amniocentesis done to tell me the state of the fetus. The point of doing that would be for me to terminate the pregnancy if there was cerebral palsy, spina bifida, or any thing along those lines. That totally threw me off. I went to run some errands after my appointment, and was having that lost feeling that comes so often with being depressed. I actually wandered around the grocery store just staring at the shelves. I was really depressed. What's the point in even trying to have a child. If I can't go off my meds to try, why should I? Maybe I should just give up the idea and go on living the way I am now. The way I'm living now is rather cluttered and lazy, so what could I possibly give to a child if I can't even seem to take care of myself. I'm really feeling helpless right now, and I don't know what the hell to do. I just had three days off from work and didn't do any of the things that I had on my list to do. I always picture myself doing what I have planned, but then I sleep in late and just start off on the wrong foot. I was actually feeling pretty good yesterday. Hopefully I can turn this thing around.

weird day

So not really weird as in freaky stuff happening. More along the lines of I think my body is screwing with me. I woke up and totally felt like shit. I was cold and my throat hurt. I pushed through it to go to work but really think that I would have felt better if I'd stayed home. If I wasn't saving PTO for the trip to Brazil I would have totally called in sick. So anyway, the weird part happened after work. I decided to go to the fabric store to see if I could find the right type of muslin for a pottery table. I spent way too much time in the store, but it's hard to not dream when there are so many options to create. I then left to go say hi to Morgan and Lindan. Morgan had here leg amputated today, but she's doing great. Continuing on the weird part... I stopped by Lowe's on the way home to get some more stuff for the pottery table and ended up wandering around and picking up 6 little plants to nurture and grow. I was kinda in manic shopping mode. I did a little impulse shopping at the grocery store yesterday, but I think that was because I wanted to get something for Lindan and Morgan and couldn't decide on what to get. I tend to become very indecisive when I'm doing the manic thing. If I can't make up my mind I decide to just buy it all. So the weird thing is that I'm still feeling manic, but I also feel like shit from my cold. I don't think I've ever been manic while being sick. The sick part usually brings the mood down with it. I'm gonna go take some night time cold medicine and see if it makes me feel any better. I'm also hoping that I don't have a hard time sleeping since I'm so amped up right now. Okey dokey, off to bed I go.

So I had a stupid amount of anxiety today. It's interesting how one can have anxiety about having anxiety. I really wanted to just stay home and sleep. I'm glad I didn't. Instead I headed north to give a friend a massage. It always feels odd to go back to that time when giving massages was a weekly if not daily activity. I really don't miss the paper work or insurance crap. I definitely enjoy helping to get rid of some annoying achy pain. I tend to do deep tissue treatment work more than the full body relaxation thing. I wonder if that has anything to do with my need to compartmentalize. Work on one thing at a time and eventually it all falls into place. Right? The whole damn picture is just too much to take in.
I also made an observation that I have often had in the past. I have recently been trying to work on eating healthy, but I find that after 3 to 4 days I am really craving some comfort food. I am fine as long as the bad stuff isn't around, but if it is around I have no self control. When I was growing up my Dad would get mad at my Mom if she bought fatty or sugary stuff because he would eat it. So, whenever I wanted something that my Dad would get mad about my Mom would just have me keep it in my room. I find that I now have my Dad issue of eating things in excess if it is at all an available option. I also find it hard to share my food because I'm afraid I'll have it taken away. I've been trying to turn off this strange reflex when it comes to food, but it is still a work in progress. I'm trying to use my August trip to Brazil as motivation to eat healthy and work out more. Hopefully this can be a jumping point for me.

Self Conscious Fun

I keep having thoughts through out the day that I think would be great for me to put down in my blog. By the time I get to my computer the thoughts have been stored in some part of my brain that doesn't want to accessed at the moment. Since I've been doing so well on my meds, I keep having the doubting questions of "am I really bipolar, or am I just a loser who can't control her emotions". I of course then realize that people who are bipolar generally can't control their emotions. I do the same thing with my fibromyalgia too. I'll be feeling great and thinking that I just need to buck up on days when I'm painful. It's very easy for me to question if I really have these issues or is it all in my head. The obvious answer is that both issues do indeed come from my head. Emotional center is all messed up. Pain center is all messed up. It's kinda easy to see that my social anxiety comes from my self doubt.
I find it odd that I have so much social anxiety and self consciousness, yet I'm very open about who I am. I'm terrible at lying, but I seem to lie to myself all the time. I'm a bit confused right now about what I want out of life. I have been focusing on enjoying life as much as I can. I think that part of this is because I have no idea how long my meds are going to keep working. I also just think that life really shouldn't be taken too seriously. I really hope that I can learn to apply my new found wisdom. Maybe I'll have fun in the attempt.

Celtic Knot

So people quite often say that they are spiraling or circling in the same pattern. I've decided to call it one big celtic knot. I go from deciding I'm going to be healthy to giving up and pigging out. I decide the actions I wish to make, then do the exact thing that I don't want to do. There's this constant struggle between what I want to do and what I should do. And then I need to ask the question about wanting to do the things that I need to do. I don't really feel like going into why I'm feeling this way, but I really am hoping to find some way to make myself look at the big picture and my goals as a way of living and not as a task I have to surmount.
I also need to add that as a celtic knot I want to be in the shape of a cat. :)

Anxiety

Not much in the mood to blog, but I'm feeling like it might be a bit freeing(is that a word?). I've been realizing that I still hold onto being the little girl that I was when my innocence was sadly taken away. When I can't handle things, I regress and just try to ignore it. I've had a very grown up thought process when dealing with things. I'm finally getting that if I want something out of my life I have to work for it. Curling up in a ball and ignoring problems isn't good for anyone.
I have constant anxiety of how messy our apartment is, but seem to lack motivation to do anything about it. Instead of having anxiety over someone coming over and seeing what a train wreck things are, I'm actually working on making things the way I want them. I'm not saying it's easy, but if I think about the fact that I deserve to have nice things it gives me a little of the motivation I've been missing.
Social anxiety is also a huge thing for me. I'm trying really hard to look on the bright side of everything. I keep telling myself that it really shouldn't matter to me what other people think of me. If people want to worry or pity me, then that's all on them. I find that what my mind tells me and what my emotions choose to put out there are definitely not in the same place. When I was younger I taught myself to be the best I could and to keep anything that might cause my parents stress to myself. I saw how much stress my brother caused and vowed to be the perfect child. Any imperfection became a huge stress to me, and I think that this has led me to have a need to be perfect to what I assume is the status quo.
Anxiety seems to be a never ending issue, but I'm working on it.

I've been a bit manic the last few days, but I'm also having all these thoughts about doing reckless things. I've often thought that my cutting stems from a need to turn the emotional into something I can see. The last few times I've cut though is because I have this feeling of being alive. I get a rush out of seeing my own skin open and my blood beading up. I quite often freak out after I realize that I'm acting like some crazy person and I break down crying. I'm not sure if I'm really depressed even though I get a rush from hurting myself, or if I'm just crashing from the high and it's all a cycle of my disease.
I went to my first hand building class for pottery tonight. I was really withdrawn and not quite sure about what I should do. Everyone else had projects that they had been working on and I came to class expecting some new exciting thing. I ofcourse came up with stuff, but I was really feeling insecure. We did the whole introduction/ what do we hope to get from this class thing. There was this older lady who has been doing artistic things with all kinds of mediums. When she introduced herself she mentioned something about her mother being bipolar and that her work lately has been focused on visits she had growing up because her mother was in a mental institution. So anyways, when I introduced myself I let the class know that I am bipolar and that I try to use my pottery as a way to work through things. Pottery is a way for me to express myself without harming myself.
I have been feeling really stable with my moods lately, but I'm starting to get that feeling of missing the extremes. Why can't I be crazy and eccentric. I know what the answer to that question is. I can be crazy and eccentric. I have so many feelings and ways I wish to deal with things, but for the most part it is all in my head. That's one reason I shut down and give in to depression. I keep all my crazy thoughts and ideas to myself in fear of being labled as crazy. The funny thing is, I am very open about being bipolar. K, I'm done.

Long frustrating day at work. I wanted to possibly do yoga after work, but didn't get out of there until 7. There's a dog on the ventilator and while it's nice to be able to use some of my knowledge, it is frustrating to feel like I'm the one giving the dr. the orders.

I had a very frustrating day today. I had anxiety over feeling ugly and fat. I picked a lot of acne a few days ago, and now I have stupid scabs all over my face. I also keep wanting to get more fit and slim so that I don't look hideous for our trip to Brazil in August. It took me awhile to realize that my mood was probably so bad because I'm menstral. Every month I have back ache and then I break out and pick at my face. I was literally thinking how good I'd been at not picking and that my complexion was looking better just last week. I seem to self sabotage myself. I know what I should be doing, but I constantly do the opposite. It's like I get stressed out about my issues and then decide that if I'm not going to get better then I might as well make it obvious to the rest of the world that I'm a helpless case.
Maybe I'll be able to recognize my issues when I start with the PMS next month. Hopefully this blog will help me work through my issues a little better.

Here Goes Nothing

I've been inspired by a close friend of mine to put my thoughts and realizations out there. I'm really doing this for myself so that I can see where I've come from and where I'm headed to. Most of my friends know that I'm bipolar and have fibromyalgia. I am finally feeling human again now that all of my medications seem be just the right combo for me. I just turned 35 and Andrew and I are that stage of life where we feel the need to focus on having a child. I'm really nervous about doing this because I know that I'm going to have to stop taking some of my medications in order to do everything safely. I haven't made any appointments yet, but I plan to meet with an obgyn and hopefully come up with a plan that my psychiatrist and she agree on.
On a totally different subject, I had a train of thought today that gave me a new perspective to my life. The thought pattern started with me looking at a tree in bloom, which led down the path to the house that we lived in in Mountlake Terrace. Andrew and I have always been rather messy and unorganized, but there has definitely been an increase since the Mountlake Terrace house. I know that Andrew and I started out trying to keep things organized, and we really didn't do too bad of a job when we lived in apartments. While doing a little self analyzing, I came to the conclusion that when we're in an apartment we have this need to make sure that we don't give the managers any reason to put us on the "to watch" list. It's as if we know that we are really taking care of someone else's stuff, and we want to make sure we do a good job. So I had to ask myself, why am I more prone to take good care of someone elses stuff and then turn around and not really care for what I can claim as mine. I then realized that I should make an effort to take care of my things because my things should be way more valuable in my eyes than someone elses things. I wish I had a more elequent way to put my thoughts out there, but the point I'm trying make is that I'm worth it. I know that this sounds cliche, but if it helps to give me the inspiration I need, then I'm gonna stick with it.
It's 3 in the morning, so I'm heading off to bed. I'm thinking that I'm going to go to the 5pm staff meeting tomorrow and skip the morning one. I might just be feeling a little manic right now, but I'll try to reign it in. See if I can keep up with this blogging thing. It's a nice new way to journal.