That old familiar feeling

It's been awhile. I had a fairly familiar feeling today. I don't think I've ever been able to classify it very well. Saying I have that "I've just been raped" feeling is a bit awkward to say. It's a good thing that I realize most people don't want the truth when they ask "how's it going?". I just felt isolated and scared when I got up today. Andrew's out of town, and as much as I hate it, he's my security blanket. I don't at all hate that I rely on the love of my life. I hate that I am so codependent that I start to loose it after being alone for 2 days.
My closest friends are lost in their own issues, and I hate the idea of letting myself be vulnerable with anyone else. I found myself to be incredibly jealous of a few coworkers that are taking a camping trip at the end of the week. I remember taking a few trips with coworkers when the clinic first opened. It feels nice to belong to a group of friends and not just having a few friends. Alienating myself seems to of become a norm for me. I want to be understood and loved just like everyone else. I'm just too self conscious to let myself be understood. I think that I have always felt out of place. I can observe and come to understand almost any category of people. I was raised a born again christian. I went to so many youth group meetings and outings. Instead of becoming friends with any one group, I would find myself helping with the adults. I'd help set things up, organize things, clean up things. I was always the reliable one. I don't think that anyone but my peers saw how depressed I was. One of the boys that I had a major crush on told me that he wanted to ask me out, but was too afraid that I would kill myself and he just couldn't handle that. Seriously! Why the fuck didn't my "friends" fucking tell an adult that I was a fucking suicide waiting to happen? Why couldn't anyone see that my default was this "I've just been raped" feeling. I know that answer of course. I put out there what I wanted people to see. I let the adults believe that I was well adjusted and just wanted to be helpful. I was a bit more honest with my peers because I was looking for a connection. My breaking point hit when I didn't have anyone to hide things from. I can't stand this feeling of being so isolated. I know that I have people out there that truly care for me, I just feel like they are so far away.

For Andrew: since I know that you are reading this while you are out of town, I need you to know that I'm okay. These aren't necessarily new feelings, I just happen to be blogging them. I will see you on Monday and I know that I will survive this.

Starting from the beginning

I've decided to try and start from the beginning of my depression. I've not had any therapy sessions in quite awhile due to financial constraints. My last few sessions were helping me to get in touch with my inner child. I've heard the term inner child several times, but I've never really thought about the term. Looking at myself from the outside and realizing that if an 8yr old child were to have the abuse that I had, I would feel that that child would have so much of a reason to be devastated. I realize that I'm being vague, but I'm not sure how much I want to put into writing. Let's just say that I had a couple of sexual and violent acts between the age of 8 to 16. I then felt the need to keep it all to myself because my parents were already extremely stressed because my brother was using drugs. I saw how much pain my parents were having, so I didn't want to add to that. I actually decided to be as perfect as I could so that my parents would never be disappointed or stressed about my well being.

Now for relating this to my mental state. When my family moved from Texas to California, I was 12 yrs old. I was leaving the safety of all my close friends back in Texas. I made a couple of friends from our church fairly quickly. I just felt so out of place. I remember saying something along the lines of killing myself and it freaked out my new closest friend. I got a card and had written in it that I was sorry about saying I wanted to kill myself. My Mom found the card and asked me about it. I blew if off by saying that I had made a joke and Shelly just got upset. I guess that that was when I first thought about suicide. I think that I just felt isolated because all my friends were now left in Texas. I didn't recognize what I was feeling, but it seems fairly obvious to me now.

That's it for now.

Self sabotage

I keep setting goals for myself that I'm just not able or motivated enough to actually follow through with. For example: It's past midnight and I have to get up tomorrow for work. I'm tired, yet I keep letting myself fiddle around on this stupid computer of mine. I've also set goals for studying for the VTS test as well as an exercise plan. This is short blog because I need to go to bed. I just wanted to put out there that I really need to figure how best to deal with my own self sabotage. I hope I figure it out soon.