Money money money

I wish I had some. Money that is. I've had a few shopping spree's that I totally should of put the money to better causes. I usually hate shopping because it gives me anxiety about what I can't have. I think that I'm now using shopping as a comfort. I know that the money isn't coming in the way it should, but it's going to be worse when Andrew's unemployementt is going to run out. I think that getting things I want is my way of making myself feel better. I know that there are a lot of bad things about this behavior. When Andrew was in Bosnia I totally forgot to pay some bills and I went around shopping as a comfort. I also keep putting off studying. I had 3 days off in which I planned to study, but I focused on other things instead. I worked on pottery, and I did some cleaning. Monday I slept and vegged. Yesterday I dyed my hair and cleaned up after the animals, went tanning, and then went to the grocery store and spent way too much time walking around and deciding what to buy. It would've been a short trip, but I spent about an hour there. Then I went to pottery in the evening. Today I worked on a piece of pottery, caught up on NCIS and then Andrew and I went to see Iron Man. It's really hard for me to know that we are broke, but we keep spending money on frivolous things. I also keep having stress because the economy isn't getting better and that doesn't really bode well in the Andrew finding a job department. I also wish that work was a little more steady. It scares me that the Renton clinic isn't really doing much to help the business stabilize. I have some plans for tomorrow. I'm hoping I can stick with it.

I hate hunger.

Warning to those who might have an eating disorder : I'm about to bitch about my hatred with hunger.
I am getting really frustrated with myself and my attempts at being healthy, active, and to lose some pounds. I am the fastest I've ever been. I know that a large part of it is due to my medications, but I also know that I have a lot of bad habits that I need to change. Lately I've been trying to stay around a certain calorie count, but at the end of the day I am still hungry and can't seem to keep myself from eating a bit too much. I've had this weight goal in mind so that I look a little better in a swim suit for my trip to Brazil. I'm also wanting to lose weight before I see my parents in September. Both my parents are super healthy and trim and I feel embarrassed to have them see me at this weight. I'm also having a hard time motivating to do exercises that I know will help with the weight loss, but will definitely not help my fibromyalgia. I also just want to get healthy, and if it weren't for the trip to see my parents, I don't think that I would be this stressed out about it. I've been doing healthier things and doing yoga a couple times a week, but I know that I need to really go at it if I really want to reach my goal. I feel like if I can stick with a certain amount of calories for at least 5 days, my stomach should shrink down enough that I wont always be hungry. I am much better about sticking to my daily goal on the days that I work, but days off at home are just hard. It would really be nice if Andrew didn't make such calorie dense food for dinner. I keep telling myself that I need to come up with a weekly menu plan. I just have so many other things that I'm doing it is hard to find time to sit down and go through menu books and figure the calories and then figure out what constitutes a serving. I also keep self sabotaging myself because I'll tell myself that I should have something but then I focus on it so much that I end up eating it because I might not get any if I actually stick to my plan. I know that there are diet groups (weight watchers, jenny craig, nutrisystem), and there are books with diet plans, but I"m allergic to so many foods it is hard to go that route.

I also want to address the fact that I am going to have to make some serious decisions when it comes to the prospect of getting pregnant. My medications are doing so well and I will have to go off of most of them if I want to help avoid any neurologic or autoimmune issues. My OBGYN apt got bumped back to 6/8. I'm just a big cranky whiny stress ball right now. It doesn't help that this day is just making me more and more irritable.

Watching People Walk

After massage school I got into the habit of watching people when they moved to analyze what might need to be worked on. It's kind of something that I've never stopped doing, but I've had a new perspective with this watching habit of mine. I noticed about a week ago that while I'm driving around and see people walking around I start to wonder what their story is. Not just where is their tension, but why do they have the tension. Are they limping because they have an old sports injury? Does they're head tilt because they have a bad habit of tilting their head when they're on the phone? What's their story? I don't know why I've started doing this. I think that I'm used to looking at things from a medical/ analytical way, and now I'm looking at things from a more personal point of view. I've always said that I'm not much of a people person. I think that I've been that way because I've had such a hard time dealing with my issues, it makes it hard for me to let others close enough for me to deal with them. It kinda seems nice to be able to understand and let myself be trusting with others. It's not that I'm not trusting in a "I think you're a liar" sort of way. It's just that I'm able to trust people with who I am. It's been quite a long time since I've felt that I can let people into my world without the fear that they are going to turn around and pick me apart. People are going to judge me no matter what. It's just human nature. I just have to let myself be secure enough in who I am to not let it get to me. I'm not saying it's easy to do now. It's just easier. So to bring this whole thought process to a close... I kinda wonder what story my body language throws out there.

Insecure, productive and a sore throat.

It's been a roller coaster week in the emotion scale. First off, I am not good with change. There are a lot of new people at work and it's making me very insecure. On Sunday, I had the joy of working with 3 new people. The first is this girl who works with a day practice, but is trying out the emergency scene. She's one of those people that feels the need to verbally explain what she's doing, as if to prove herself. She is actually fairly good at what she does, I just find her highly annoying. Then there is the new girl that doesn't say hardly anything. She also seems to be good at her job, but her silence is making me constantly wonder what she's thinking. I feel like I need to prove myself to her because I assume that her silent ruminations are all about me. I really hope that it doesn't take long to get to know her. The third girl is also fairly good at her job. She also talks non stop, but it's not to prove anything, it's because she is constantly thinking and apparently feels the need to let us all know where her thoughts are leading her. She also speaks with big words and is like listening to a professor in literature and biology at the same time. So anyways, I felt really insecure after I got off work on Sunday.
Monday, I was is go go go mode. I got up fairly early for a day off. I got up to go to yoga, but couldn't find my keys. Luckily, Andrew had his spare key for the car. It turns out I had left my keys at work. Anyways, I went to yoga for the first time in 4 weeks. I missed going today because I feel like I have a cold. After yoga, I went by Fred Meyer to gets some groceries. I also picked up a stackable organizer set for the kitchen, come potting soil for my multitude of empty pots, and some seeds for which to grow stuff in said pots. I came home and did the planting thing, put up a shelf in the garage for laundry detergent and such, and built the organizer for the kitchen. I also put together a canvas/wood table top to use with my clay creations. I hope I can get the kitchen all cleaned up and ready for the pottery wheel that Lindan is going to let me use. All in all, it was a very busy day for me. I'm usually not that active, but I'm hoping that I can keep it up.
Today has been fairly unproductive. I missed an appointment because I slept through it and Andrew didn't wake me up. I then chose not to go to yoga because of a sore throat. I went to Tasha and Andre's house ( cat's that I'm pet sitting) and did my thing there. I came home to get some studying done and I fell asleep. I'm hopefully going to get a little more studying in since I'm awake now.

Extremes of emotion

So I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and I've been all over the place with my emotions. The appointment was just a regular appointment to talk a little and go over my medications. I let her know that Andrew and I are planning on really working on getting pregnant, but I want to make sure that my medications are in order. I have an appointment with an OB GYN next week to go over medications with them as well. I was having a lot of anxiety before the appointment because I really don't want to go off of my current meds. I have been feeling somewhat normal and I'm scared that I will just relapse into hyper depressed suicidal girl. My anxiety reached that level of "I need xanax now". I had left my purse at home, so I didn't have any on me. So I told my doc what I was there for and how anxious I was. She went over each medication with me and told me the risk associated with each one. Basically, I should come off of all of my medications. She encouraged me to speak with the OB GYN and see what he has seen in his experience. She also encouraged me to think about what I would do in the event of a major birth defect. She said that I could potentially stay on my meds and have regular ultrasounds and amniocentesis done to tell me the state of the fetus. The point of doing that would be for me to terminate the pregnancy if there was cerebral palsy, spina bifida, or any thing along those lines. That totally threw me off. I went to run some errands after my appointment, and was having that lost feeling that comes so often with being depressed. I actually wandered around the grocery store just staring at the shelves. I was really depressed. What's the point in even trying to have a child. If I can't go off my meds to try, why should I? Maybe I should just give up the idea and go on living the way I am now. The way I'm living now is rather cluttered and lazy, so what could I possibly give to a child if I can't even seem to take care of myself. I'm really feeling helpless right now, and I don't know what the hell to do. I just had three days off from work and didn't do any of the things that I had on my list to do. I always picture myself doing what I have planned, but then I sleep in late and just start off on the wrong foot. I was actually feeling pretty good yesterday. Hopefully I can turn this thing around.