Old familiar feelings

I was super depressed today. I thought about cutting several times. It's weird how I can be spacing out and just have an urge to cut. The gray and windy world out there had me questioning why the hell have I put up with living someplace so miserable. There are many great people who keep me here. I am also really happy with my job right now. I wouldn't have been able to say that about the job a year ago. It's odd that Andrew losing his job made me put more dedication into my work. I just feel that I would be so much happier someplace warm and sunny. The warmth and the sun just bring me to life. I think that one of the reasons I liked working graveyards so much was that I slept during all the gray. The dark of night is so much more comforting and do-able for me. I know that my moods are ever changing and that I might feel great tomorrow.
I also had a large amount of social anxiety and venerability tonight. I felt really self conscious and insecure with what I was doing. Then I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and just felt paranoid. I went through the store grabbing and holding my items close to my chest like someone might take it from me. I really felt crazy. I didn't' want to look anyone in the eye. It was weird. Maybe I'm projecting anxiety about the avian ce I'm doing on Friday. I don't really think that that is it, but it could be. Well, off to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Fall

I keep having these thougths that I feel likeI should put in my blog because they are relevant to being bipolar. Now that I'm sitting here wiht the computer in front of me I can't quite recall what I wanted to say. I've been sick this last week, which makes me frustrated at things that I had planned to do, but instead I've been sleeping and being grumpy. My body is starting to ache a lot more now that the weather is getting colder. I know that I need to start exercising and that yoga will help with the pain. I've also been feeling a bit more depressed. I'm not sure if that's because i've been sick, or if it's because the wonderful gray facade that is Puget Sound has returned. Even if I'm not doing anything outside, I feel better when it is sunny out. I just really hate that pit in my stomach/ it hurts just to breath/ leave me the fuck alone/ I've just been raped/ open and closed all at the same time feeling. The summer has been too kind to me, and now I have to find some way to keep the rest of this year from dragging me down with it's cold gray fingers that seem to find every little crevis it can to crawl into the edges of my being.

Guilt

It's starting to really sink in that I won't be seeing my Hoots again. There was this sad, miserable cat that came into the clinic today that had a hairball stuck in it's esophagus. I've never really thought of a hairball being something that could end a life. This cat was definitely circling the drain, until it projectile vomited and the hairball went shooting across the room. It was a very dramatic vomit that made the cat vagal out. I watched this all happen and couldn't help but think that Hoots got hairballs all the time. Could it be possible that she died because of something so simple. Should I have been adding cat lax or canned food to her diet to help prevent the hairball situations. Could my negligence caused my sweet little kitties death. I'm never really going to know the answer to these questions. I just can't help but feel like I didn't do something and that something could have caused her death. I'm finally starting to really mourn. It's hard to put into words the sorrow that I'm feeling. I know that others have felt it and that it's nothing new to the condition of being human. It just really fucking sucks. I suppose that it's a good thing that my meds are working so well. I feel a bit numb through out all of this. I'm not sure if it's the meds or the shock of the situation. I can tell you that I could easily slip into the ever so familiar sadness. I actually wish for a profound moment of crying and sobbing and misery so that I can get it all out. What will come, will come. A little zen to say... but still quite true.

Hoots

I found my sweet little Hooter girl dead underneath the papasan tonight. The last time I remember seeing her was Wed. evening. She was always hiding and being generally skittish so I wasn't really that worried about her. I decided to do a hunt today because I hadn't seen her in a few days. My first thought was that she might of gotten out the back door while I wasn't looking. I tend to leave the back door open when I let Nutmeg out in the morning, so maybe she decided to be sneaky. I was worried about her being outside, not worried that she was sick somewhere. I found her with a very small amount of blood clogging her nose, but not much around her. My best guesses are that she aspirated on something, had heart stuff that I just didn't know about, or she a spider that she then just went into anaphylaxis. I didn't want a post done because I don't really think that it would help me to feel better about the whole thing. I just can't believe that she's gone. She was just supposed to be hiding somewhere like she usually does. I don't know how long she was under the papasan, or if she suffered. Was there anything I could have done if I'd been there. I'm really not sure how to deal with this. I've become so used to the sadness and reality of animals and thier many illnesses. I'm numb and shock and feel completely detached at the same time. It's like I know that she was going to die at some point, so what's the big deal? Stupid compassion fatigue that's spilling over into my house. Maybe I'm just numb right now because I took a xanax. I was definitely crying and sobbing earlier.
Hoots was such a sweet but skittish little girl. I got her at AERC when I first started doing the vet tech thing. She had been hit by a car and hung out in the stray room for a couple of weeks. She always had this cute little tail twitch that she did. She would head butt the carpet and wall, but would only really cuddle if you were in the bed. She loved to sleep around my head. I'm really going to miss that. I just really going to miss my goofy little Hoots.

Summer

I keep procrastinating about putting my trip to Brazil in to words. Thanks to the WVBA, Andrew and I got to go to Brazil for free. We were gone from 8/1 -8/12. It was a complete and total trip of a lifetime. We got to enjoy ourselves in the sun and warmth. The volleyball team didn't do that well, but there was a definite age advantage on their part. We met a lot of amazing people. I really hope that we get to go back sometime.
I also went to Texas for a week the second week of Sept. I took the dreaded VTS test again. Not really sure how that went. The big thing is that I got to see my family. I hadn't seen my brother for about 6 years. He is sober and has a good job. He decided that since he's 40 he should try to get his life in some sort of order. I was so so very happy to see how great he's doing.
I know that this is a really short ass blog about 2 very amazing things. I'm just really tired and gonna go to sleep now. Maybe I'll write more later. I think that it's still a bit beyond words for me.