I've been a bit manic the last few days, but I'm also having all these thoughts about doing reckless things. I've often thought that my cutting stems from a need to turn the emotional into something I can see. The last few times I've cut though is because I have this feeling of being alive. I get a rush out of seeing my own skin open and my blood beading up. I quite often freak out after I realize that I'm acting like some crazy person and I break down crying. I'm not sure if I'm really depressed even though I get a rush from hurting myself, or if I'm just crashing from the high and it's all a cycle of my disease.
I went to my first hand building class for pottery tonight. I was really withdrawn and not quite sure about what I should do. Everyone else had projects that they had been working on and I came to class expecting some new exciting thing. I ofcourse came up with stuff, but I was really feeling insecure. We did the whole introduction/ what do we hope to get from this class thing. There was this older lady who has been doing artistic things with all kinds of mediums. When she introduced herself she mentioned something about her mother being bipolar and that her work lately has been focused on visits she had growing up because her mother was in a mental institution. So anyways, when I introduced myself I let the class know that I am bipolar and that I try to use my pottery as a way to work through things. Pottery is a way for me to express myself without harming myself.
I have been feeling really stable with my moods lately, but I'm starting to get that feeling of missing the extremes. Why can't I be crazy and eccentric. I know what the answer to that question is. I can be crazy and eccentric. I have so many feelings and ways I wish to deal with things, but for the most part it is all in my head. That's one reason I shut down and give in to depression. I keep all my crazy thoughts and ideas to myself in fear of being labled as crazy. The funny thing is, I am very open about being bipolar. K, I'm done.

Long frustrating day at work. I wanted to possibly do yoga after work, but didn't get out of there until 7. There's a dog on the ventilator and while it's nice to be able to use some of my knowledge, it is frustrating to feel like I'm the one giving the dr. the orders.

I had a very frustrating day today. I had anxiety over feeling ugly and fat. I picked a lot of acne a few days ago, and now I have stupid scabs all over my face. I also keep wanting to get more fit and slim so that I don't look hideous for our trip to Brazil in August. It took me awhile to realize that my mood was probably so bad because I'm menstral. Every month I have back ache and then I break out and pick at my face. I was literally thinking how good I'd been at not picking and that my complexion was looking better just last week. I seem to self sabotage myself. I know what I should be doing, but I constantly do the opposite. It's like I get stressed out about my issues and then decide that if I'm not going to get better then I might as well make it obvious to the rest of the world that I'm a helpless case.
Maybe I'll be able to recognize my issues when I start with the PMS next month. Hopefully this blog will help me work through my issues a little better.

Here Goes Nothing

I've been inspired by a close friend of mine to put my thoughts and realizations out there. I'm really doing this for myself so that I can see where I've come from and where I'm headed to. Most of my friends know that I'm bipolar and have fibromyalgia. I am finally feeling human again now that all of my medications seem be just the right combo for me. I just turned 35 and Andrew and I are that stage of life where we feel the need to focus on having a child. I'm really nervous about doing this because I know that I'm going to have to stop taking some of my medications in order to do everything safely. I haven't made any appointments yet, but I plan to meet with an obgyn and hopefully come up with a plan that my psychiatrist and she agree on.
On a totally different subject, I had a train of thought today that gave me a new perspective to my life. The thought pattern started with me looking at a tree in bloom, which led down the path to the house that we lived in in Mountlake Terrace. Andrew and I have always been rather messy and unorganized, but there has definitely been an increase since the Mountlake Terrace house. I know that Andrew and I started out trying to keep things organized, and we really didn't do too bad of a job when we lived in apartments. While doing a little self analyzing, I came to the conclusion that when we're in an apartment we have this need to make sure that we don't give the managers any reason to put us on the "to watch" list. It's as if we know that we are really taking care of someone else's stuff, and we want to make sure we do a good job. So I had to ask myself, why am I more prone to take good care of someone elses stuff and then turn around and not really care for what I can claim as mine. I then realized that I should make an effort to take care of my things because my things should be way more valuable in my eyes than someone elses things. I wish I had a more elequent way to put my thoughts out there, but the point I'm trying make is that I'm worth it. I know that this sounds cliche, but if it helps to give me the inspiration I need, then I'm gonna stick with it.
It's 3 in the morning, so I'm heading off to bed. I'm thinking that I'm going to go to the 5pm staff meeting tomorrow and skip the morning one. I might just be feeling a little manic right now, but I'll try to reign it in. See if I can keep up with this blogging thing. It's a nice new way to journal.