weird day

So not really weird as in freaky stuff happening. More along the lines of I think my body is screwing with me. I woke up and totally felt like shit. I was cold and my throat hurt. I pushed through it to go to work but really think that I would have felt better if I'd stayed home. If I wasn't saving PTO for the trip to Brazil I would have totally called in sick. So anyway, the weird part happened after work. I decided to go to the fabric store to see if I could find the right type of muslin for a pottery table. I spent way too much time in the store, but it's hard to not dream when there are so many options to create. I then left to go say hi to Morgan and Lindan. Morgan had here leg amputated today, but she's doing great. Continuing on the weird part... I stopped by Lowe's on the way home to get some more stuff for the pottery table and ended up wandering around and picking up 6 little plants to nurture and grow. I was kinda in manic shopping mode. I did a little impulse shopping at the grocery store yesterday, but I think that was because I wanted to get something for Lindan and Morgan and couldn't decide on what to get. I tend to become very indecisive when I'm doing the manic thing. If I can't make up my mind I decide to just buy it all. So the weird thing is that I'm still feeling manic, but I also feel like shit from my cold. I don't think I've ever been manic while being sick. The sick part usually brings the mood down with it. I'm gonna go take some night time cold medicine and see if it makes me feel any better. I'm also hoping that I don't have a hard time sleeping since I'm so amped up right now. Okey dokey, off to bed I go.

So I had a stupid amount of anxiety today. It's interesting how one can have anxiety about having anxiety. I really wanted to just stay home and sleep. I'm glad I didn't. Instead I headed north to give a friend a massage. It always feels odd to go back to that time when giving massages was a weekly if not daily activity. I really don't miss the paper work or insurance crap. I definitely enjoy helping to get rid of some annoying achy pain. I tend to do deep tissue treatment work more than the full body relaxation thing. I wonder if that has anything to do with my need to compartmentalize. Work on one thing at a time and eventually it all falls into place. Right? The whole damn picture is just too much to take in.
I also made an observation that I have often had in the past. I have recently been trying to work on eating healthy, but I find that after 3 to 4 days I am really craving some comfort food. I am fine as long as the bad stuff isn't around, but if it is around I have no self control. When I was growing up my Dad would get mad at my Mom if she bought fatty or sugary stuff because he would eat it. So, whenever I wanted something that my Dad would get mad about my Mom would just have me keep it in my room. I find that I now have my Dad issue of eating things in excess if it is at all an available option. I also find it hard to share my food because I'm afraid I'll have it taken away. I've been trying to turn off this strange reflex when it comes to food, but it is still a work in progress. I'm trying to use my August trip to Brazil as motivation to eat healthy and work out more. Hopefully this can be a jumping point for me.

Self Conscious Fun

I keep having thoughts through out the day that I think would be great for me to put down in my blog. By the time I get to my computer the thoughts have been stored in some part of my brain that doesn't want to accessed at the moment. Since I've been doing so well on my meds, I keep having the doubting questions of "am I really bipolar, or am I just a loser who can't control her emotions". I of course then realize that people who are bipolar generally can't control their emotions. I do the same thing with my fibromyalgia too. I'll be feeling great and thinking that I just need to buck up on days when I'm painful. It's very easy for me to question if I really have these issues or is it all in my head. The obvious answer is that both issues do indeed come from my head. Emotional center is all messed up. Pain center is all messed up. It's kinda easy to see that my social anxiety comes from my self doubt.
I find it odd that I have so much social anxiety and self consciousness, yet I'm very open about who I am. I'm terrible at lying, but I seem to lie to myself all the time. I'm a bit confused right now about what I want out of life. I have been focusing on enjoying life as much as I can. I think that part of this is because I have no idea how long my meds are going to keep working. I also just think that life really shouldn't be taken too seriously. I really hope that I can learn to apply my new found wisdom. Maybe I'll have fun in the attempt.

Celtic Knot

So people quite often say that they are spiraling or circling in the same pattern. I've decided to call it one big celtic knot. I go from deciding I'm going to be healthy to giving up and pigging out. I decide the actions I wish to make, then do the exact thing that I don't want to do. There's this constant struggle between what I want to do and what I should do. And then I need to ask the question about wanting to do the things that I need to do. I don't really feel like going into why I'm feeling this way, but I really am hoping to find some way to make myself look at the big picture and my goals as a way of living and not as a task I have to surmount.
I also need to add that as a celtic knot I want to be in the shape of a cat. :)

Anxiety

Not much in the mood to blog, but I'm feeling like it might be a bit freeing(is that a word?). I've been realizing that I still hold onto being the little girl that I was when my innocence was sadly taken away. When I can't handle things, I regress and just try to ignore it. I've had a very grown up thought process when dealing with things. I'm finally getting that if I want something out of my life I have to work for it. Curling up in a ball and ignoring problems isn't good for anyone.
I have constant anxiety of how messy our apartment is, but seem to lack motivation to do anything about it. Instead of having anxiety over someone coming over and seeing what a train wreck things are, I'm actually working on making things the way I want them. I'm not saying it's easy, but if I think about the fact that I deserve to have nice things it gives me a little of the motivation I've been missing.
Social anxiety is also a huge thing for me. I'm trying really hard to look on the bright side of everything. I keep telling myself that it really shouldn't matter to me what other people think of me. If people want to worry or pity me, then that's all on them. I find that what my mind tells me and what my emotions choose to put out there are definitely not in the same place. When I was younger I taught myself to be the best I could and to keep anything that might cause my parents stress to myself. I saw how much stress my brother caused and vowed to be the perfect child. Any imperfection became a huge stress to me, and I think that this has led me to have a need to be perfect to what I assume is the status quo.
Anxiety seems to be a never ending issue, but I'm working on it.