Starting from the beginning

I've decided to try and start from the beginning of my depression. I've not had any therapy sessions in quite awhile due to financial constraints. My last few sessions were helping me to get in touch with my inner child. I've heard the term inner child several times, but I've never really thought about the term. Looking at myself from the outside and realizing that if an 8yr old child were to have the abuse that I had, I would feel that that child would have so much of a reason to be devastated. I realize that I'm being vague, but I'm not sure how much I want to put into writing. Let's just say that I had a couple of sexual and violent acts between the age of 8 to 16. I then felt the need to keep it all to myself because my parents were already extremely stressed because my brother was using drugs. I saw how much pain my parents were having, so I didn't want to add to that. I actually decided to be as perfect as I could so that my parents would never be disappointed or stressed about my well being.

Now for relating this to my mental state. When my family moved from Texas to California, I was 12 yrs old. I was leaving the safety of all my close friends back in Texas. I made a couple of friends from our church fairly quickly. I just felt so out of place. I remember saying something along the lines of killing myself and it freaked out my new closest friend. I got a card and had written in it that I was sorry about saying I wanted to kill myself. My Mom found the card and asked me about it. I blew if off by saying that I had made a joke and Shelly just got upset. I guess that that was when I first thought about suicide. I think that I just felt isolated because all my friends were now left in Texas. I didn't recognize what I was feeling, but it seems fairly obvious to me now.

That's it for now.