That old familiar feeling

It's been awhile. I had a fairly familiar feeling today. I don't think I've ever been able to classify it very well. Saying I have that "I've just been raped" feeling is a bit awkward to say. It's a good thing that I realize most people don't want the truth when they ask "how's it going?". I just felt isolated and scared when I got up today. Andrew's out of town, and as much as I hate it, he's my security blanket. I don't at all hate that I rely on the love of my life. I hate that I am so codependent that I start to loose it after being alone for 2 days.
My closest friends are lost in their own issues, and I hate the idea of letting myself be vulnerable with anyone else. I found myself to be incredibly jealous of a few coworkers that are taking a camping trip at the end of the week. I remember taking a few trips with coworkers when the clinic first opened. It feels nice to belong to a group of friends and not just having a few friends. Alienating myself seems to of become a norm for me. I want to be understood and loved just like everyone else. I'm just too self conscious to let myself be understood. I think that I have always felt out of place. I can observe and come to understand almost any category of people. I was raised a born again christian. I went to so many youth group meetings and outings. Instead of becoming friends with any one group, I would find myself helping with the adults. I'd help set things up, organize things, clean up things. I was always the reliable one. I don't think that anyone but my peers saw how depressed I was. One of the boys that I had a major crush on told me that he wanted to ask me out, but was too afraid that I would kill myself and he just couldn't handle that. Seriously! Why the fuck didn't my "friends" fucking tell an adult that I was a fucking suicide waiting to happen? Why couldn't anyone see that my default was this "I've just been raped" feeling. I know that answer of course. I put out there what I wanted people to see. I let the adults believe that I was well adjusted and just wanted to be helpful. I was a bit more honest with my peers because I was looking for a connection. My breaking point hit when I didn't have anyone to hide things from. I can't stand this feeling of being so isolated. I know that I have people out there that truly care for me, I just feel like they are so far away.

For Andrew: since I know that you are reading this while you are out of town, I need you to know that I'm okay. These aren't necessarily new feelings, I just happen to be blogging them. I will see you on Monday and I know that I will survive this.