Guilt

Life is process of experience's and learning how to process and grow from each one. For whatever reason I am processing and learning things about my suicide attempts. I'm feeling incredibly guilty about what I put Alex through. Alex came up to take care of me while Andrew was away and It had to of been one of the more stressful times in his life. First I overdosed on ambien and he had to deal with trying to make me vomit up the pills and then taking me to the ER. It's a good thing I wasn't eating because I was light enough for him to carry me to the car. Then I threw cutting into the mix. And then I took advantage of a pet sitting venture and called him to let him know that I was going to kill myself and that he should make sure that the owners don't come home to find me dead. Fortunately I was too drunk to actually focus on cutting deep enough.
I heard a song today that made me reflect and then feel the full power of guilt. I can only imaging what Alex must have been going through trying to make sure I was safe. The worry and stress that he had wondering if the paramedics would get to me in time. What would he tell Andrew if I actually succeeded. The sadness of the situation. It's said that suicide is a very selfish act, and I am really feeling that today. I was so lost in my depression that all I could think about was my pain. I know how strongly depression can take over and I know that I probably couldn't control my emotions at the time. I've finally reached a point where I can reflect and learn from my past. It's only taken me 35 years.
The tragedy of what I put Alex through is that he died exactly 1 year from the day of my attempt. He saved my life, but he died. If only he'd been wearing his damn seat belt. It's sad, but I truly believe that the world would be a better place if I had been the one to die. Alex had so much love and life to give. I've been a bipolar/ depressed mess who looks for an escape from reality. I hope that I can one day help to balance that which was lost.