I've been a bit manic the last few days, but I'm also having all these thoughts about doing reckless things. I've often thought that my cutting stems from a need to turn the emotional into something I can see. The last few times I've cut though is because I have this feeling of being alive. I get a rush out of seeing my own skin open and my blood beading up. I quite often freak out after I realize that I'm acting like some crazy person and I break down crying. I'm not sure if I'm really depressed even though I get a rush from hurting myself, or if I'm just crashing from the high and it's all a cycle of my disease.
I went to my first hand building class for pottery tonight. I was really withdrawn and not quite sure about what I should do. Everyone else had projects that they had been working on and I came to class expecting some new exciting thing. I ofcourse came up with stuff, but I was really feeling insecure. We did the whole introduction/ what do we hope to get from this class thing. There was this older lady who has been doing artistic things with all kinds of mediums. When she introduced herself she mentioned something about her mother being bipolar and that her work lately has been focused on visits she had growing up because her mother was in a mental institution. So anyways, when I introduced myself I let the class know that I am bipolar and that I try to use my pottery as a way to work through things. Pottery is a way for me to express myself without harming myself.
I have been feeling really stable with my moods lately, but I'm starting to get that feeling of missing the extremes. Why can't I be crazy and eccentric. I know what the answer to that question is. I can be crazy and eccentric. I have so many feelings and ways I wish to deal with things, but for the most part it is all in my head. That's one reason I shut down and give in to depression. I keep all my crazy thoughts and ideas to myself in fear of being labled as crazy. The funny thing is, I am very open about being bipolar. K, I'm done.