Anxiety

Not much in the mood to blog, but I'm feeling like it might be a bit freeing(is that a word?). I've been realizing that I still hold onto being the little girl that I was when my innocence was sadly taken away. When I can't handle things, I regress and just try to ignore it. I've had a very grown up thought process when dealing with things. I'm finally getting that if I want something out of my life I have to work for it. Curling up in a ball and ignoring problems isn't good for anyone.
I have constant anxiety of how messy our apartment is, but seem to lack motivation to do anything about it. Instead of having anxiety over someone coming over and seeing what a train wreck things are, I'm actually working on making things the way I want them. I'm not saying it's easy, but if I think about the fact that I deserve to have nice things it gives me a little of the motivation I've been missing.
Social anxiety is also a huge thing for me. I'm trying really hard to look on the bright side of everything. I keep telling myself that it really shouldn't matter to me what other people think of me. If people want to worry or pity me, then that's all on them. I find that what my mind tells me and what my emotions choose to put out there are definitely not in the same place. When I was younger I taught myself to be the best I could and to keep anything that might cause my parents stress to myself. I saw how much stress my brother caused and vowed to be the perfect child. Any imperfection became a huge stress to me, and I think that this has led me to have a need to be perfect to what I assume is the status quo.
Anxiety seems to be a never ending issue, but I'm working on it.