Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Extremes of emotion
So I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and I've been all over the place with my emotions. The appointment was just a regular appointment to talk a little and go over my medications. I let her know that Andrew and I are planning on really working on getting pregnant, but I want to make sure that my medications are in order. I have an appointment with an OB GYN next week to go over medications with them as well. I was having a lot of anxiety before the appointment because I really don't want to go off of my current meds. I have been feeling somewhat normal and I'm scared that I will just relapse into hyper depressed suicidal girl. My anxiety reached that level of "I need xanax now". I had left my purse at home, so I didn't have any on me. So I told my doc what I was there for and how anxious I was. She went over each medication with me and told me the risk associated with each one. Basically, I should come off of all of my medications. She encouraged me to speak with the OB GYN and see what he has seen in his experience. She also encouraged me to think about what I would do in the event of a major birth defect. She said that I could potentially stay on my meds and have regular ultrasounds and amniocentesis done to tell me the state of the fetus. The point of doing that would be for me to terminate the pregnancy if there was cerebral palsy, spina bifida, or any thing along those lines. That totally threw me off. I went to run some errands after my appointment, and was having that lost feeling that comes so often with being depressed. I actually wandered around the grocery store just staring at the shelves. I was really depressed. What's the point in even trying to have a child. If I can't go off my meds to try, why should I? Maybe I should just give up the idea and go on living the way I am now. The way I'm living now is rather cluttered and lazy, so what could I possibly give to a child if I can't even seem to take care of myself. I'm really feeling helpless right now, and I don't know what the hell to do. I just had three days off from work and didn't do any of the things that I had on my list to do. I always picture myself doing what I have planned, but then I sleep in late and just start off on the wrong foot. I was actually feeling pretty good yesterday. Hopefully I can turn this thing around.
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So on getting pregnant with medications. Going off for 9 months would suck, but it would be worth it. Besides, pregnancy hormones give you a whole new set of highs and lows and I mean hardcore hormone/emotions. It's a natural body process that makes you self preserving so that the baby can survive.
ReplyDeleteOnce you have a baby, you don't need to give your baby much of anything except your time. Kids are pretty easy that way, as long as you hang out with them and love them, they are pretty much good. For the first 3 years, all you are doing with them is laying around and reading or watching tv anyways. After that, you just follow them around with what they are into, you don't really need to have your life together on any level, they tell you what to do. Having a kid to give you purpose and source of unconditional intelligent love is the biggest boost to self worth you will ever have. Oh and you are usually too tired to ever be significantly depressed the first 3-4 years. My vote? Have a baby!
-Aubry