Guilt

It's starting to really sink in that I won't be seeing my Hoots again. There was this sad, miserable cat that came into the clinic today that had a hairball stuck in it's esophagus. I've never really thought of a hairball being something that could end a life. This cat was definitely circling the drain, until it projectile vomited and the hairball went shooting across the room. It was a very dramatic vomit that made the cat vagal out. I watched this all happen and couldn't help but think that Hoots got hairballs all the time. Could it be possible that she died because of something so simple. Should I have been adding cat lax or canned food to her diet to help prevent the hairball situations. Could my negligence caused my sweet little kitties death. I'm never really going to know the answer to these questions. I just can't help but feel like I didn't do something and that something could have caused her death. I'm finally starting to really mourn. It's hard to put into words the sorrow that I'm feeling. I know that others have felt it and that it's nothing new to the condition of being human. It just really fucking sucks. I suppose that it's a good thing that my meds are working so well. I feel a bit numb through out all of this. I'm not sure if it's the meds or the shock of the situation. I can tell you that I could easily slip into the ever so familiar sadness. I actually wish for a profound moment of crying and sobbing and misery so that I can get it all out. What will come, will come. A little zen to say... but still quite true.