I was super depressed today. I thought about cutting several times. It's weird how I can be spacing out and just have an urge to cut. The gray and windy world out there had me questioning why the hell have I put up with living someplace so miserable. There are many great people who keep me here. I am also really happy with my job right now. I wouldn't have been able to say that about the job a year ago. It's odd that Andrew losing his job made me put more dedication into my work. I just feel that I would be so much happier someplace warm and sunny. The warmth and the sun just bring me to life. I think that one of the reasons I liked working graveyards so much was that I slept during all the gray. The dark of night is so much more comforting and do-able for me. I know that my moods are ever changing and that I might feel great tomorrow.
I also had a large amount of social anxiety and venerability tonight. I felt really self conscious and insecure with what I was doing. Then I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and just felt paranoid. I went through the store grabbing and holding my items close to my chest like someone might take it from me. I really felt crazy. I didn't' want to look anyone in the eye. It was weird. Maybe I'm projecting anxiety about the avian ce I'm doing on Friday. I don't really think that that is it, but it could be. Well, off to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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